I'm Dreaming of a Pink Christmas

In high school we were given the assignment to write a story about our family during the holidays. I was a kid and didn’t really appreciate my family at the time. I talked about my family as any teenager would, pointing out the oddities and ridiculousness of tradition. Now that I'm older, I realize the quirks I once saw as character flaws, are actually the threads that will, and do, hold a family together.  

When I look back over the years, some of the best times with my family have been during the holidays. As I have become an adult those times become even more cherished, little pieces of time, nuggets of gold that we carry around in our hearts. 

I have to be honest and state that I struggled with the topic of this post. We all have our favorite Christmas memories. We all also have those memories that are not so merry. Those are the ones we remember more than the good ones. We think of them as scars on our perfect greeting cards. The truth is, those scars make the meaning of Christmas that much more poignant. Those are the events that show us the true meaning of Christmas. 

When I was younger I couldn’t wait to start my life. It was never about what was happening at that moment, it was more about what was ahead of me, the bright, limitless future. As soon as I graduated from high school I moved out on my own. In that time I became fairly estranged from my family and Christmas was just another holiday.  The holidays came and went, and I was alone for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I lived in a one bedroom apartment by myself, and friends were co-workers.  I worked all the time. It was better than sitting in a silent apartment, so of course I worked the holidays. 

In February of the next year I found myself in a predicament and went to my mother’s house to ask for help. No one was home, but I went inside anyway. She and I hadn’t spoken in months, and my visit was unannounced. As I walked through my childhood home it felt different, foreign and like I didn’t belong there. Nothing about the house had changed, and I ventured into the kitchen where I found an overflowing gift basket with my name on it. The dust around the gift told me it had been sitting there for a while, just waiting to be claimed. It was then I realized I had changed. When I left my family, I was of the mindset that I was a girl without a family. As I stood there, it dawned on me that I was wrong. My family was without a daughter. I left the basket unclaimed, and left the house without leaving a note. 

It was time for me to be the daughter who deserved the seat at the family table. It had been saved and left empty, waiting for my return. Seven months passed before I rallied the courage to call my mother and that, to be honest, was out of pure fear of a mother’s wrath. If I didn’t call her that day, I would regret it for the rest of my life. You see, it was August 13^th 1994, the day my eldest son was born. I was ready to come home and be part of my family again. 

On Christmas I think about the times I lived without my family, and it makes me cherish every moment even more. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and this is true with holidays as well. You don’t realize what you have until it is gone. So the moral of the story is simple. Enjoy the holidays, cherish your family, savor the time you have. There is no holiday without family, and I use the word family loosely. Family -- meaning those who are loved and important in our lives. Happy Holidays to you all! I will see you in 2017!

Procrastination or Inspiration?

As a writer the easiest thing in the universe to do is procrastinate.  

You can find any reason to not write.
Too tired, laundry is piling up, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, you need to go to the store, weeds need to be pulled, the fly buzzing around the room is too distracting, kids need me, too loud, too quiet, no inspiration. I have used them all.

Fortunately, I've broken out of the sticky web of procrastination. Not saying that I don’t fall back every now and again. However I have realized that my procrastination will actually stall my creative flow. I am in essence putting my muse on mute. I have learned that if you keep it silent for too long, when you do turn the volume back up you will find nothing but silence.

I love people that tell you they are ‘working up to’ something. I have learned it is code for ‘I have no freaking idea what I am going to do’. But that’s okay. We've all been there, when the ideas and the flow seem just out of reach, so why waste time staring a blank screen? Why spend precious hours writing useless prattle? If the inspiration isn’t there, it just isn’t there…right?

See, here’s the thing…staring at the blank screen, believe it or not, is not a waste of time. Writing gibberish does more than give you sore shoulders. These seemingly useless exercises can in fact amount to brilliance. How? Because you are doing it! You are focused on your task. You are allowing your mind to wander to all of those wonderful places where the kernels of inspiration collect. Given enough time and patience they will pop and you were soar!

I have said it a million times and I cannot stress it enough. The reason I do is because I don’t want anyone to miss out on the chance of brilliance! If you are going to write, than write! If you are going to write a song, write it! If you are going to conquer the world, get to work!

Someone once said that ‘Procrastination is the ruin of the brilliant man’. And while I'm not going to go to that degree, I will say it is a slippery slope. So mind your balance and open the door for brilliance, it's waiting!

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Shockwave Character Blog - Kate Weiss

I have a problem with no solution. I think I'm in love with a man I can never be with. Just thinking about him makes me weak. No one has ever had this effect on me and I have to say it is really pissing me off. This is not the way it is supposed to work. I don’t want or need a relationship. I don’t have the time or energy. But…oh the way I feel when I am with him. His control over me is palpable, scorching and addictive. I lose myself in the warmth of his touch, his demanding embrace and his liquid gaze. 

The memories of our night together are still fresh in my mind. While I struggle to push them away they always return. We can never be together, we come from two different worlds and I know how that works. I can’t do it again. So if my brain knows this, why won’t my heart listen? Why does it continue to call his name in the dark of night? 

I left for a reason, he rejected me. He thinks I lied to him, that I was keeping the truth hidden from view. The betrayal shining in his eyes still stabs at me. How could I ever ask for his forgiveness when any relationship we could build is doomed to failure?

Taking a deep breath, he moved across the parking lot and to her door. He was about to knock when he heard his name.

“Jack?” He turned to see her walking toward him, her male companion at her side.

“Hey…Kate,” he managed with a smile while she stared at him in confusion.

“What are you doing here?”

“I needed to see you,” his eyes locking with hers.

“You two obviously need to be alone,” Kate’s friend said giving Jack a look of warning. “I’m going to head inside.”

Kate simply nodded, not breaking Jack’s gaze. The man disappeared into her house. She stood staring at him and Jack realized she was waiting for him to say something.

“I wanted to apologize for the way I left things in Vegas.” She looked away from him.

“Thanks, but it’s over. I’m --”

“I know I messed up. I didn’t mean to push you away and I--”

“Jack--”

“I don’t know what this is. All I know is that since you left 

everything…stopped.””

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Her eyes filled with emotion and he saw a ray of hope.

 “Listen to me,” moving closer, looking down into her eyes. “I know that this isn’t what was supposed to happen, but it did and I want to start over.”

“I’m not good for you, Jack,” hugging herself as if a chill had fallen between them.

“That’s not true,” shortening the space between them. The ocean air swept through her hair, her scent filling him. “I have never been more alive than I am with you.”

“It’s a fantasy. It isn’t real.”

“Yes it is,” seeing the denial in her eyes. “I’ve tried to forget, Kate! I’ve told myself that it wasn’t real--”

“No, Jack…”

“But I was wrong! It is real and I can’t let it go,” refusing to let her push him away, keeping her eyes locked within his. “And I don’t think you can either.”

He watched her struggle and wanted desperately to wrap his arms around her.  He forced himself to stay where he was. She gulped something back and took a deep breath.

“I have nothing to give you.”

“I’m not asking for anything,” searching her eyes for some sign of hope.

“Yes you are.”

“Kate…”

 “You are…you are looking for Texas Kate. Problem is that laid back, nice, Texas Kate doesn’t exist! My life is complicated, dangerous and all consuming! At the end of the day there is nothing left.” she purposely stepped back, out of his reach. “You think you know me, Jack, but you don’t.”

“You’re right I don’t, not all of you. But I do know the Kate I rode the stratosphere with, the woman who prefers an orange soda over a beer, who didn’t hesitate to tell me when I was being a selfish ass. The exquisite creature I held before the world exploded.”

“Please…stop.” the words sent her spiraling away from him her hand running through her hair as she refused to meet his eyes.

“I’m useless without you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for!”

“Yes there is. I was trying to run away from who I am and you got caught up in it.  None of it was real. The Kate you are talking about doesn’t exist, she never did. I’m sorry that I misled you—“

“Don’t do this. Don’t stand there and tell me it was a lie when you know it wasn’t! I know you felt it too. I saw it in your eyes when you looked at me. It was overwhelming and I can’t forget. I don’t want to forget--”

“It’s a fairy tale,” breaking away from any connection he had made with her. 

“It’s not real. She’s not real! I created a character to cope, to hide and you fell for her, but she doesn’t exist. She never did! Let it go.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.”

“Believe it, I’m not as understanding as your Kate. I don’t have the time or the patience. It’s unproductive and does me no good.”

“Fine,” blocking her eye line, forcing her to face him. “Look at me and tell me that you don’t want me here. Tell me that I am crazy. Tell me there is nothing but air between us and I’ll go.”

They seemed frozen in time. Jack saw a flicker of light in her eyes but it disappeared, as if she had consciously decided to extinguish their last ray of hope, and his heart ached.

“I’m sorry, Jack.” He watched her turn and walk away from him. He wanted to stop her, tell her that she was being stupid. They could make it work, but he didn’t. He let her go.

He let her walk away.

~

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