I have a problem
with no solution. I think I'm in love with a man I can never be with. Just
thinking about him makes me weak. No one has ever had this effect on me and I
have to say it is really pissing me off. This is not the way it is supposed to
work. I don’t want or need a relationship. I don’t have the time or energy.
But…oh the way I feel when I am with him. His control over me is palpable,
scorching and addictive. I lose myself in the warmth of his touch, his
demanding embrace and his liquid gaze.
The memories of our
night together are still fresh in my mind. While I struggle to push them away
they always return. We can never be together, we come from two different worlds
and I know how that works. I can’t do it again. So if my brain knows this, why
won’t my heart listen? Why does it continue to call his name in the dark of
night?
I left for a
reason, he rejected me. He thinks I lied to him, that I was keeping the truth
hidden from view. The betrayal shining in his eyes still stabs at me. How could
I ever ask for his forgiveness when any relationship we could build is doomed
to failure?
Taking a deep breath, he moved
across the parking lot and to her door. He was about to knock when he heard his
name.
“Jack?” He turned to see her
walking toward him, her male companion at her side.
“What
are you doing here?”
“I
needed to see you,” his eyes locking with hers.
“You
two obviously need to be alone,” Kate’s friend said giving Jack a look of
warning. “I’m going to head inside.”
Kate
simply nodded, not breaking Jack’s gaze. The man disappeared into her house. She
stood staring at him and Jack realized she was waiting for him to say
something.
“I
wanted to apologize for the way I left things in Vegas.” She looked away from
him.
“Thanks,
but it’s over. I’m --”
“I
know I messed up. I didn’t mean to push you away and I--”
“Jack--”
“I
don’t know what this is. All I know is that since you left
everything…stopped.””
“You
don’t know what you’re saying.” Her eyes filled with emotion and he saw a ray
of hope.
“Listen to me,” moving closer, looking down
into her eyes. “I know that this isn’t what was supposed to happen, but it did
and I want to start over.”
“I’m
not good for you, Jack,” hugging herself as if a chill had fallen between them.
“That’s
not true,” shortening the space between them. The ocean air swept through her
hair, her scent filling him. “I have never been more alive than I am with you.”
“It’s
a fantasy. It isn’t real.”
“Yes
it is,” seeing the denial in her eyes. “I’ve tried to forget, Kate! I’ve told
myself that it wasn’t real--”
“No,
Jack…”
“But
I was wrong! It is real and I can’t let it go,” refusing to let her push him
away, keeping her eyes locked within his. “And I don’t think you can either.”
He
watched her struggle and wanted desperately to wrap his arms around her. He forced himself to stay where he was. She
gulped something back and took a deep breath.
“I
have nothing to give you.”
“I’m
not asking for anything,” searching her eyes for some sign of hope.
“Yes
you are.”
“Kate…”
“You are…you are looking for Texas Kate.
Problem is that laid back, nice, Texas Kate doesn’t exist! My life is
complicated, dangerous and all consuming! At the end of the day there is
nothing left.” she purposely stepped back, out of his reach. “You think you
know me, Jack, but you don’t.”
“You’re
right I don’t, not all of you. But I do know the Kate I rode the stratosphere
with, the woman who prefers an orange soda over a beer, who didn’t hesitate to
tell me when I was being a selfish ass. The exquisite creature I held before
the world exploded.”
“Please…stop.”
the words sent her spiraling away from him her hand running through her hair as
she refused to meet his eyes.
“I’m
useless without you.”
“I’m
sorry.”
“There’s
nothing to be sorry for!”
“Yes
there is. I was trying to run away from who I am and you got caught up in
it. None of it was real. The Kate you
are talking about doesn’t exist, she never did. I’m sorry that I misled you—“
“Don’t
do this. Don’t stand there and tell me it was a lie when you know it wasn’t! I
know you felt it too. I saw it in your eyes when you looked at me. It was
overwhelming and I can’t forget. I don’t want to forget--”
“It’s a fairy tale,” breaking away from any
connection he had made with her.
“It’s not real. She’s not real! I created a
character to cope, to hide and you fell for her, but she doesn’t exist. She
never did! Let it go.”
“I
can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“Believe
it, I’m not as understanding as your Kate. I don’t have the time or the
patience. It’s unproductive and does me no good.”
“Fine,” blocking her eye line,
forcing her to face him. “Look at me and tell me that you don’t want me here.
Tell me that I am crazy. Tell me there is nothing but air between us and I’ll
go.”
They seemed frozen in time. Jack
saw a flicker of light in her eyes but it disappeared, as if she had
consciously decided to extinguish their last ray of hope, and his heart ached.
“I’m sorry, Jack.” He watched her
turn and walk away from him. He wanted to stop her, tell her that she was being
stupid. They could make it work, but he didn’t. He let her go.
He let her walk away.
~
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